Communication 101
HELLO and Welcome to Communication 101!! This is the place where you can get the scoop on understanding some of the BASICS of communication. You know, it has been said that “Knowledge is Power.” Well, my friends, having a good understanding of the basics of communication is powerfully important in the world of relationships (with family, friends, peers, employers, etc.). You name it…communication is the name of the game! In this post, I promise to keep it short, sweet, and to the point! That said, let me share with you that there are a myriad of theories and ideas and models of communication.
A three-prong view of communication
For me, I’ve always found that simple is best. So, let’s talk about a three-prong view of communication, namely Assertive communication, Non-assertive communication, and Aggressive communication. You may learn what type of communicator you are and (even better) what type of communicator you desire to become. Ready? Set? Go!
Non-assertive communication
Imagine, if you will, that you are a people-pleaser! Your desire is to never “rock the boat” or draw too much attention to yourself. You avoid confrontation, preferring to go along and get along than cause any problems. You’re happy when “they” are happy. Or…at least that is how you act and how others perceive you. But, under the surface lurks a person with thoughts and opinions and hopes, just like everyone else! You, however, choose to opt out of the game to avoid any unpleasantness. You are the person who defers to others’ preferences. You’ve heard about that great new Chinese restaurant downtown and you LOVE Chinese food…but you defer to what he/she/they want, which ironically is Mexican cuisine (which you don’t even like). All in the name of peace, right? Well, maybe not so peaceful…at least on the inside.
In general, a Non-assertive communicator will decide not to communicate their needs, their wants, their desires. Their on the surface desire is to please others. So, they have a large reservoir of patience, along with a large rug and a broom to sweep lots of disappointments and frustration under. Do you recognize this person? There are times when Non-assertive communicators speak up…more on that below.
Aggressive communication
The person who communicates in this style has one primary purpose – to have their needs met. An Aggressive communicator will say what they want, think, believe, need, etc. But they will speak with little or no thought to what words they choose. You may hear many sentences and phrases that begin with the word “you.” “You’re a (fill in the blank).” “You need to (fill in the blank).” “You’re nothing but a (ahem, fill in the blank).” Respect for others? What’s that? Choosing words in an effort to communicate effectively? Hardly. Trying to dominate others. Now you’re talking! Bottom line…this person says whatever they want to get whatever they want. Are they perceived as being respectful or worthy of respect? Probably not.
Unfortunately, one thing that may happen when you are speaking with an Aggressive communicator is a desire to get revenge on that person for what they say and how they say it. In my experience I have observed Aggressive communicators who speak this way with intention and other Aggressive communicators who speak this way because they don’t know any other way to speak. Sometimes a style of speaking is learned from our parents, our peers, on TV, etc. Aggressive communicators may feel powerful, but in essence they are not…for they do not elicit cooperation (or respect) from others.
When aggressive and non-assertive communicators are in a relationship
There is an exception to this rule, though. And this exception appears when an Aggressive communicator is in relationship with a Non-assertive communicator. The Aggressive communicator wants what they want…when they want it. And the Non-assertive communicator is there to jump. Sometimes this type of relationship can be said to be a match made in Heaven. And, perhaps it is that way for a time…until the Non-assertive communicator has “had enough” and bows up (a little Southern term) and becomes aggressive in return. This then becomes an aggressive-aggressive communication/relationship; but normally is only short-lived. For the Non-assertive communicator will eventually realize that they have communicated “aggressively” and back down to their previous non-assertive stance. So, ultimately, a relationship between an Aggressive communicator and a Non-assertive communicator is more like a match made in Heaven and in… (you get the drift)!
And last, but not least, Assertive communication
The Assertive communicator has a similar quality as that of the Aggressive communicator in that they both communicate what they want, need, feel, believe, etc. But, unlike the Aggressive communicator, the Assertive communicator communicates with respect! You will often hear the Assertive communicator begin their sentences with the word, “I.” “I think…” “I need…” “I believe…” These are typically referred to as “I messages” and are one of the keys to effective Assertive communication.
Assertive communicators speak their truth in an effort to communicate, not to dominate or to please. An Assertive communicator may say something you don’t like or don’t believe, but they will never speak their truth in a disrespectful way. Assertive communicators believe in compromise as well as the concept of “agreeing to disagree.” Compared to Aggressive communicators, Assertive communicators can be much more powerful in their words and much more effective in discussions. Communication between two Assertive communicators is a wonderful conversation to behold!
How do you communicate?
So, the question remains…how do you feel you communicate? Are you Non-assertive? Aggressive? Assertive? Perhaps a bit of a mix…depending on the environment or situation? But, more importantly, where would you like to be? Are you happy where you are in your communication style? If not, there’s no time like the present to make changes. So, get out there and communicate, my friends!
Note: This blog post was originally published by the Heart’s Way, Imagery and Insights in 2015. It has since been updated and is being republished.